Jokes Thread 2

BrightBlessings said:

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)


After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.

Click to expand...

targnik said:

Little Johnny cant sleep one night.. so he wonders half asleep into his parents room to find mommy and daddy goin at it like a couple of rabbits... little Johnny turns and runs away... hearing little Johnny's footsteps dad goes to find little Johnny and see how he's doing ^^

Not finding Little Johnny in his room he walks past the guest bedroom to find to his utter amazement little Johnny giving it to grandma!! Dad yells "Little Johnny what are you doing!!??"

Not missing a beat little Johnny replies "Not so funny when it's your mother is it!!??"

Click to expand...

:roflmao::roflmao:

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the Devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The Devil opened the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I couldn’t do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was ex British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way, I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms over his head and his legs spreadeagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah I think I could handle this". The Devil smiled and said...

"Monica, you're free to go!"

A little PC humor.

"Catching Something"

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says, "Wait up.... I'll get my hat!"

Happy Holidays

What is a calorie?

Calories are the little *******s that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE @#$@&$#(@*$#)!

One beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are,very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr … gurrr … king'

evil c said:

One beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are,very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr … gurrr … king'

Click to expand...

there is, of course, no place in wales named 'Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch', which means 'the leeks on your blouse are looking really pretty today, Blodwyn. kiss me, you sexy lass. '

it's really called 'Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysillogogoch' which means 'the place down the road over yonder with the big pothole on the other side where we send all the english tourists who haven't got a clue how to speak welsh when they ask for directions - twinned with koln since 1456'

evil c said:

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the Devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The Devil opened the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I couldn’t do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was ex British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way, I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms over his head and his legs spreadeagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah I think I could handle this". The Devil smiled and said...

"Monica, you're free to go!"

Click to expand...

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

Hopalong X said:

What is a calorie?

Calories are the little *******s that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE @#$@&$#(@*$#)!

Click to expand...

Mine too!

Dear Santa,


Please send me a baby brother.

rb:







rb:


:ar:


:ar:

Santa wrote back:


"Send me your mother..."

I read this book today, all about the evils of alcohol..

- so I gave up reading..

This one really tickled by sense of humour...

BugMeister said:

I read this book today, all about the evils of alcohol..

- so I gave up reading..

Click to expand...

I've misused alcohol once.

We were camping with some of my friends, couldn't make the campfire because a bit wet logs. So I poured some of my beloved whisky to the logs, to help to ignite them...

Other than that, never misused alcohol.

Kari

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turns to the second Mum, Ann: “Your obsessions is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turns to the third Mum, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”

evil c said:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turns to the second Mum, Ann: “Your obsessions is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turns to the third Mum, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”

Click to expand...

:roflmao:

A local charity office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated charity rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special, I'm having pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

------------------------------------------------------------

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

------------------------------------------------------------


QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
------------------------------------------------------------

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary the husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

CarlTR6 said:

1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh

Click to expand...

Here's another one
1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in San Fransisco for start location
4. Type in Hervey Bay, Australia for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #15, #30, #91......


6. Laugh

Dom said:

CarlTR6 said:

1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh

Click to expand...

Here's another one
1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in San Fransisco for start location
4. Type in Hervey Bay, Australia for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #15, #30, #91......


6. Laugh

Click to expand...

I love programmers with senses of humor!