Oh, dude, I just took a better look down where my VGA port is at the bottom of the computer. Turns out there is a DVI port as well...
AND AN HDMI PORT
This... changes... everything.... I have so much stuff to test right now.
edit: Alright well I seem to need a longer cord, I can't quite reach it. There's always something keeping me from doing things I want to do. I just know that since the VGA port down lower works, these ports will too...
edit 2: Nope, I finagled it to fit! NOW let's see what I got!
edit 3: NEMEPHOSIS WINS. FLAWLESS VICTORY.
Something so so SO dumb, but I never would have figured it out without your help. I don't really know what made me check back there for ports other than the VGA, but that was what it was. The motherboard ones weren't working, but the other ones did. Thank you guys so much for everything, I got it working now! Thank you all again!