Jokes Thread 2

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the Casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll
of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... 'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.

In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

A Guy

*Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"

*A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."

*Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong).

*Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

*Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

pebbly said:

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the Casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll
of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... 'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men

Excellent joke. Two laughs for the price of one

It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.
He told Maria that the house keeper is asking for a raise.
Maria said, "Screw her."
Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right?

The History of Medicine
------------------------------------
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1975 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2010 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

The Kansas Department of Labor claimed a small soybean
farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent
out to investigate ..

Department of Labor employee :
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Farmer: "Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours
every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

Department of Labor employee :
"That's the guy I want to talk to the mentally challenged one."

Farmer : "That would be me."

The Howling Wolves said:

The Kansas Department of Labor claimed a small soybean farmer was not paying proper wages...

I can understand that the language problems that Arnold has could have caused the whole problem. I sure that's what he is going to say in divorce court.

The World According to Palin

Paul Revere was really a British spy. A member of MI-1.0 predecessor of the famous MI-6.
Paul's famous ride was actually to warn the British the Americans were coming.

Aaron Burr was framed by Paul Revere for treason. That was a secret until you know who posted on Wikileaks.

More to come as soon as the astrologer consultation is over.

Rumor is that Betsy Ross was a KGB agent.

Sarah Palin fans try to rewrite history on Wikipedia - Computerworld