New
#1551
Jokes Thread 2
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New #1552
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
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New #1553
A man went to the local canine rescue centre to see if he could find a dog to replace his pet pooch that had died recently.
He eventually decided on a mongrel whose ugliness was far outweighed by his friendly demeanor. With one leg missing, no tail, blind in one eye and bare patches on his skin where his hair fell out, he nevertheless persuaded the man to take him home.
As the man walked his new pet to the car he couldn't get over how ugly he was and pondered long and hard on what name to give him. In the end he decided to call his dog Rary on account of his ugliness and the fact he was one of a kind.
The next day, the man and his friend decided to take Rary for a walk along the local clifftop. A strong wind was blowing as Rary managed to slip his lead and went charging towards the cliff edge when a strong gust of wind blew him onto the beach 100 feet below.
The two men rushed to where Rary had fallen and saw him spreadeagled on the rocks below. One looked at the other and said, "Don't know about you, but it's a long way to tip a Rary!"
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New #1555
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and duly climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below all looking up at her.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"N,n,n,no," stammers the old man, "but it is certainly quivering a little."
A Guy
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New #1557
For anyone having mother-in-law issues:
I wanted to do something nice for my mother-in-law so I bought her a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
My wife said:"Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" and she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors in London and one of the staff said: "Keep her moving, sir, we're stock-taking."
Lawyer to client: "Your mother-in-law passed away. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Son-in-law: "Take no chances. Order all three."
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New #1558
Belgium announced the war against Holland!!
...... They are in Paris now.
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Why is the bus in Belgium always 10 meters long and 30 meters wide?
So they all can sit in the back.
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New #1559
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA... In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a f***ing liar. He never did any of that sh*t.
A Guy
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