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Windows 7: Jokes Thread 2

30 Jul 2011   #1661

Win 7 ultimate x64 sp1

My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Jul 2011   #1662
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit

Jokes Thread 2-5136168f-25c3-4c4a-8d14-f81aaa5fc28f.jpg

Love Making Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3 Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act...
8. Make all the noise you want...the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Jul 2011   #1663

Windows 7 Ultimate 64bit SP1

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 View Post
Stand By Your Man

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."
One from the best!
My System SpecsSystem Spec

30 Jul 2011   #1664

Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit

You know you're getting old when your nearest and dearest says, "Let's run upstairs for some mad, passionate love!" and you reply, "It's one or t'other honey, I can't manage both!"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Jul 2011   #1665
Borg 386

Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10

How do you make Holy Water?

Get some water....and boil the Hell out of it!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Jul 2011   #1666

Windows 8 - 64-bit

That's a good one !!!!
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30 Jul 2011   #1667
Phone Man

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit

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31 Jul 2011   #1668

Windows 8 - 64-bit

Cat Lover or Not, this is funny!

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold..

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew
My System SpecsSystem Spec
31 Jul 2011   #1669
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit

Well if that isn't a cats meow right from Pebbly's Naughty girl book!
Wonder how many photo's the Paramedics took to put on FaceBook?
My System SpecsSystem Spec
31 Jul 2011   #1670

Windows 8 - 64-bit

Me naughty Girl ???? Never... lol..
I've lost my Naughty Girl badge you made for Pebbly and me.
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