Jokes Thread 2

fishnbanjo said:

I met a beautiful woman in the park the other evening....

There was an instant spark between us, and she fell at my feet.

As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself, ''These tasers are well worth the money....''

CarlTR6 said:

pebbly said:

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
...
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

That is shocking!

beauparc said:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the *******s". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".


Canada doesn't have any alert levels.


New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA".

Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate".

Three more escalation levels remain:

"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Very clever. I luvvvvvve it.

SNOW :

Hi all! Just thought I'd let you know it's snowing like crazy here today.

My neighbor says that since it's been snowing, all his wife does is look through the window.

He reckons if it gets much worse he'll have to let her in.

smarteyeball said:

A husband says to wife, "what would you do if I won the Lottery ?"

"I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,

"I won £10 , here's your fiver - bye bye

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl."

The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".