Jokes Thread 2

thefabe and LPt , now we've put that smile on your face , wear it all day :)

andsome said:

I love to encourage wild life such as birds hedgehogs etc into the garden. Other peoples cats do their best to destroy this wild life. I appreciate that this is what cats do by their nature , but as far as I am concerned it is anti social to keep cats in a built up area where they can wander uninvited into other peoples gardens. They also dig holes and crap into them then bury the crap. Most unpleasant when putting out summer bedding plants. I love dogs, and what is more they can be confined to their owners gardens.

I also shudder when I see people allowing their cats onto kitchen work surfaces, a filthy habit. I don't like to see them on furniture either. They belong in a farm yard keeping the rodents down.

I was amazed the other day when I was sitting having my breakfast, I looked out the back window, and I watched a cat do as we call it over here a "shoite" in the wifes flower bed, I just laughed to myself and said, sure it will be good for the flowers.

But then to my amazment he went and dug a hole and buried it, I never saw anything like that in my life, he must have been well trained.

Did you ever see anything like that ?

pebbly said:

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job...

"No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... "Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing."

Now that is a salesman!

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

humph....‏

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing
that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win...
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots
all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were
beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in
the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !!"

I love it!

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !!"

Is Detroit realy that bad ?

Carl the snow has begun.. my yard is now covered.. really snowing hard.

lordenis I have no idea.. I'm in the very southern part of the USA.. should I be
running fast after sharing the joke ?

lorddenis said:

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !!"

Is Detroit realy that bad ?

It is pretty bad. Detroit has deteriorated markedly - not quite as bad as in the joke, but bad enough.

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

Carl the snow has begun.. my yard is now covered.. really snowing hard.

lordenis I have no idea.. I'm in the very southern part of the USA.. should I be
running fast after sharing the joke ?

LPt, just keep that white stuff out there. It is clear and sunny here with a temp of 61 F. I am getting ready to throw a leg across the motorcycle and enjoy the day.

lorddenis said:

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !!"

Is Detroit realy that bad ?

Detroit was the wealthiest city in the United States in 1960



Forgotten Detroit

And that's no joke...


A Guy

On the brightside, at least rent would be cheap...

jfar said:

andsome said:

I love to encourage wild life such as birds hedgehogs etc into the garden. Other peoples cats do their best to destroy this wild life. I appreciate that this is what cats do by their nature , but as far as I am concerned it is anti social to keep cats in a built up area where they can wander uninvited into other peoples gardens. They also dig holes and crap into them then bury the crap. Most unpleasant when putting out summer bedding plants. I love dogs, and what is more they can be confined to their owners gardens.

I also shudder when I see people allowing their cats onto kitchen work surfaces, a filthy habit. I don't like to see them on furniture either. They belong in a farm yard keeping the rodents down.

I was amazed the other day when I was sitting having my breakfast, I looked out the back window, and I watched a cat do as we call it over here a "shoite" in the wifes flower bed, I just laughed to myself and said, sure it will be good for the flowers.

But then to my amazment he went and dug a hole and buried it, I never saw anything like that in my life, he must have been well trained.

Did you ever see anything like that ?

That is their usual method. It's a nasty surprise when you are planting summer bedding plants and discover their nasty little packages. As I said, cats are unsociable animals to be kept in built up areas where they can upset other residents. they are more suitable on a farm.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from
the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken
availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.

The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.

Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.

Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.

Othello: Jealousy.

Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have,
you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the
Need to resist such a public Display of your own
lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.

Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in
town ought never expose one to such barbarous
inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a
road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the
chicken in question.

Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade
insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome,
filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume
to question the actions of one in all respects his
superior.

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of
misplaced concreteness.

Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)

Hamlet: That is not the question.

Donne: It crosseth for thee.

Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

Constable: To get a better view.

A Guy