Jokes Thread 2

Rhymes with Spanking :)

A Guy

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.


You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.


Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.



And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

Bill and Blanche

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the county fair every year. And every year, Bill would say "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Blanche always replied "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"

One year, Bill and Blanche went to the fair and Bill said "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Blanche replied "Bill, that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"

The pilot overheard the couple and said "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you just say one word it's twenty quid."

Bill and Blanche agreed, and so up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manouevres, but not a single word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a single word was heard.

Finally, they landed and the pilot turned to Bill. He said "By 'eck, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Bill replied "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out but, you know, twenty quid is twenty quid!"

Ahahaha. Good one Dwarf.

Billy is standing in a field looking at an overturned hay wagon with a worried look on his face when the neighbor drives by on his tractor.

"Hey Billy..." yells the neighbor, "why dont'cha hop on & we'll go get us some dinner at my house. Come on, sit a spell & forget your troubles..."

Billy says: "Well, thank you much Mr. Parsons, but I don't reckon Pa would like it very much"

"Nonsense!" says Mr Parsons, "Me & your Pa have been friends for over 20 years, he ain't gonna mind you stopping over for some dinner, now I insist, c'mon along son"

Billy nervously looks at him and says: "Well, OK sir, if you reckon my Pa won't mind..."

At the dinner table, Billy is somewhat quiet, so Mr. Parsons asks: "By the way boy...where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon sir...."

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.



The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"