Jokes Thread

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

Aunt Mildred.....
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death ...
Later that night.............. Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee...

Borg 386 said:

A young woman, tired of having to work, decides to marry a rich husband in his 70's.

On their honeymoon night, they go to their bedrooms and as the bride is undressing, she hears a knock on the door. She opens it, and there is her husband, obviously "ready to go."

He enters, they make passionate love for about 20 minutes, and then he kisses her and leaves.

About 15 minutes later, as she is lying in bed, reading a magazine, she hears a knock on the door. She goes to open it, and there is her new husband, looking at her, and she can tell he's "ready to go."

They make passionate love for about 30 minutes, he then tenderly kisses her cheek, and departs.

As the new bride is starting to doze off, she hears a knock on the door. Looking at the clock she see's only 1/2 an hour has gone by.

She opens the door, and there is her husband. He grabs her hand, kisses her and they make passionate love.

As they finish, she whispers in his ear "Wow Honey, you are one Tiger! I know men in their 20's that have problems making it once or twice, let alone three times!"

With a quizzical look, he says "You mean I've already been here?"

Hilarious!

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

I didn't write this.. I'm just passing it along.An observation of mine only..
we just think differently.:)

AnEnglish professor wrote the words:









"A woman without her man is nothing"

on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.


All of the males in the class wrote:






"A woman, without her man, is nothing."











All the females in the class wrote:






"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful

mickey megabyte said:

on a similarly sexist note:

Man says to God. "Why did you make Women so beautiful?"

God: "So you would love her"

Man says to God. "But why did you make women so dumb?"

God: "So they would love you."

elsuirad said:

COURAGE?


What is the meaning of courage?

Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?
Is it to fly a fighter plane in combat?
Is it to practice free fall parachuting?
Is it bungee jumping?
Wild water rafting?

Bullshit! Those are nothing!
THIS, my friend, is COURAGE!!!

LMAO!

Some actual Classified ads:

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.



Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00



We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.



Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

severedsolo said:

Some actual Classified ads:

mickey megabyte said:

on a similarly sexist note:

Man says to God. "Why did you make Women so beautiful?"

God: "So you would love her"

Man says to God. "But why did you make women so dumb?"

God: "So they would love you."

Isn't GOD great ???.. EQUALITY.. that's it !!!!

derekimo said:

I guess it depends on WHO's doing the punctuation.

That has actually been taught to us in English before... Memories :P

A friend just emailed this to me, hope you enjoy it.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15... Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

-------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

-----------------------------------


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

-----------------------------------

And,one of the best for last….

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'