A woman went to the doctor with a VERY unusual problem... she had 3 holes!!! "wah, " said the doc... "... never seen anything like that before...." "can you cure it ?" says the woman... the doctor stuck a Bandaid over 2 of the holes... "Am I cured..? " said the woman... "No !" said doc "... but that will stop you getting ****ed left right and centre..."
An old, blind cowboy wandered into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He found his way to a bar stool and ordered some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yelled to the waiter, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately fell absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him said, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy,
I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should
Know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat 2. The bouncer
is a blonde woman
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?
'The blind cowboy thought for a second, shook his head, and muttered,
'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
What's grey on top and lays in a ditch?
An old blind cowboy who told one too many blond jokes.
Two blonds walked into a wood, the first one said, "Oh look over there, they’re Rabbit tracks"
The other one said, "No they’re Bear tracks." “No they’re Rabbit tracks,” “No they’re bear tracks,” they stood there arguing for a good while,
Bear no Rabbit, Bear, no Rabbit................ They were both killed by the train.
Did you guys hear the one about the Blonde who sewed fur onto the hem of her dress??
...to keep her neck warm.
What's the first thing a blonde does when she gets up in the morning??
...she goes home
Did you hear the one about the Blonde spy who had to blow up a foreign dignitary's car?
...she burned her lips on the tailpipe
Hunter. In the forest. Spots a bear in the distance. Takes aim. Bang! The bear drops dead.
Almost immediately, the hunter feels a tapping on his shoulder. He turns around to see another bear, standing this time, talking to him sternly.
"That was my cousin you just shot. To make amends, you can either ... share my den, or I'll maul you to death instead - take your pick!"
The hunter looks the bear up and down in anxious contemplation, and then surrenders to the inevitable.
A week later, once he can walk again, the hunter goes back into the forest to find the second bear. The search is soon fruitful. BANG! The bear keels over. Unbelievably, seconds later an even bigger paw lands on his shoulder.
"That was my brother. He already told you how we extract revenge around these parts. No, it's no use whimpering!"
The hunter is a broken man. He crawls out of the forest and spends a full month recouperating, but eventually he is once again well enough to go back.
BANG!
A paw comes down on his shoulder, not entirely unexpectedly. It is an immense paw, hairy and wide, attached to the biggest and meanest bear imaginable. The bear's drawl is straight out of "Deliverance":
"Face it son - you ain't really here for the huntin', are ya?"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
Sometime blondes are tricky!
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
