Jokes Thread

Tom hi .. I could never confuse you with any joke.. now myself.. that's another story...

BrightBlessings said:

TOM'S SCROTUM


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would
like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked
to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help
him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as
they
imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to
hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible
pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it
turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's
scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in
the
congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the
horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed
with
unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He
said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just
want to tell my wife the word is sternum.

CarlTR6 said:

BrightBlessings said:

TOM'S SCROTUM


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would
like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked
to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help
him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as
they
imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to
hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible
pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it
turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's
scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in
the
congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the
horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed
with
unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He
said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just
want to tell my wife the word is sternum.

Mixed bag of jokes we get here

A Guy

Rejected Children's Book Titles

I just love the little darlings,don't you?

1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Claus is your real Mum
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipes to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabies
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad's New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator
34. ill show you mine if you show me yours
35. Everybody poops.....just not in their ****ing pants
36. The very hungover caterpillar
37. Fun with the dog and a jar of peanut butter
38. 1001 things that fit in an electrical outlet
39. My two moms
40. The ugly duckling who grew up and hung himself
41. Piranhas in the public pool, and other practical jokes
42. How to get rid of crabs for dummies
43. Joe Wright and the seven hookers
44. Jack and Jill, and the morning after pill

They need a brain.....

Greatest Golf Story Ever



A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He
began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when
his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving
what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a
personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his
previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the
hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!"

"It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it
will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she

will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver!
She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag

every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget
the hygiene care."

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you man, she's dead.
What'd you shoot?"

Sick - but I love it!

This might appeal to our British members more although funny it really needs a good understanding of British humour to appreciate it.



hold your plums:wasy question about left hand drive


Steve