Instructions from the I.T. Department
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. 2. Don’t ever write anything down, especially the error message that was on your screen.
3. If we ask what the last thing you did was, always respond with, “I didn’t do anything.”
4. When we say we’ll be right over, immediately find a reason to leave so you won’t have to answer silly questions from us, like “what’s your screen saver password
5. When describing your problem, just tell us what you were ultimately trying to do. For example, just say, “I can’t get my email”. We don’t need to know that the computer won’t even turn on. 6. Feel free to ignore any email sent from us, especially those marked with high importance. You don’t really need to know about the latest virus that wiped out your neighbors hard drive.
7. Always send important and urgent emails in all uppercase.
8. When the copier, or anything else remotely electronic, doesn’t work, call us. Heck, if we can fix computers, we must know all about copiers too.
9. If the document you sent to the printer didn’t print, send it at least 20 more times. One of them is bound to work.
10. Don’t ever learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “my thingy blew up”.
11. Don’t waste your time using the built in help files. We already had to learn the hard way, why should you?
12. If any of the computer cables are in your way or keep moving, be sure to route them across the top of your portable heater or set something big and heavy on them to hold them in place.
13. Never bother reading any message that pops up on your screen. Just click the X to close it or the first button your mouse gets to.
14. Don’t ever try rebooting the computer yourself. Call us immediately. Only experienced, highly-trained professionals should attempt that.
15. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know anything about this computer crap”. We love hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
16. When you receive a huge movie file that’s really funny, be sure to forward it to all your friends. We have plenty of disk space and bandwidth.
17. Don’t bother bringing a radio to work, just listen to music over the internet. Like I said, we have plenty of bandwidth.
18. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might squeeze their one-page document into the queue.
19. When an I.T. person is carrying heavy equipment, worth thousands of dollars, that’s the best time to ask why your screen saver quit working.
20. Don’t bother to tell us when you move computer equipment around on your own. We certainly don’t need to keep track of those things.
21. Your computer case makes a great flat surface for sitting drinks or potted plants on.
22. Do whatever you can to cover up those ugly open air slots in the computer and monitor.