05 Mar 2010
Saw this on Neowin, figured I'd post it over here.
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each otherLaura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
|My System Specs
05 Mar 2010
Quote: Originally Posted by madtownidiot
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
|My System Specs
06 Mar 2010
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
Three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
Who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said ,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
Said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as
The door closed behind me,
Were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
And I was on him constantly
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
In between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked my seven-month- old daughter,
And she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
And I don't have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
Because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor who,
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh,
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak.
|My System Specs