Jokes Thread

pacinitaly said:

Signs You Might Be A Redneck

Don't forget:

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."

You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.

You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.

You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.

Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

you can burp and say your name at the same time

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of
the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

You met the one before that at a family gathering

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You and your dog use the same tree.

You believe dual air bags refer
to your wife and mother-in-law.

BWK said:

Paddy and murphy are skint and want some beer, so paddy says "i know we go to the pub order 2 pints ill stick a pork sausage out of my zip, you suck it, the barman will throw us out thus getting a free drink. we can do this in every pub getting a free days drinking" so off they go to the first pub order 2 pints and start drinking, as they get to the last drop, paddy pulls the sausage from his zip, murphy sucks on it,,, the landlord sees this and throws them out. They continue this for the next 9 pubs. then Murphy says "oh be-jesus paddy can we swap my knees are killing me, paddy replies never mind your knees what about me i dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says,'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


I love this part.... :

'Only when he's pissed.'

jfar said:

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says,'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


I love this part.... :

'Only when he's pissed.'

lol

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
hernameplate that her name is
Patricia Whack.



"Miss Whack, I'dlike
to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."



Patty looks atthe
frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is
Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the bank manager.



Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.



The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly
formed.



Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank manager and then
disappears into a back office.



She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit
Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
$30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."



She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the
world is this?"







The bank manager looks back at her and says...



"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack… Give the frog a loan… His old
man's a Rolling Stone."









(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you
are...)