New
#751
Jokes Thread
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New #755
The one of the American college football player reminds me of the Dallas Cowboy's kicker that was blocked - he broke his foot.
Never did hear where they found the other guy's happy sack, but that kicker hit him full speed and was trying for real distance.
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New #756
At All Saints Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota they
have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole Westrum, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Vell, Ole replied to the assembled husbands, 'I've tried to
treat her nice, spend da money on her, but best of all, I took her to
Norvay for da 20th anniversary!'
The Pastor responded, 'Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your 50TH anniversary.'
Ole proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go get her.'
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New #758
President Obama received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Texas alone. Because this seemed to be extremely excessive, he ordered a presidential mandate that half of the guards be fired immediately and to apply the savings to reduce the perceived cost of Obamacare.
Before the order could be carried out, Leader of the House Nancy Pelosi intervened with a 30 billion dollar request that before any were fired they be given six months of retraining.
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for y'all that are confused by the above and think beef comes from a super market:
Cattle Guards
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New #759
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the European Community (EU) - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules that would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish. The agreed plan is as follows: In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replased by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' is replased by 'f'. This will reduse "fotograf' by 20%. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful, and they should eliminat them. By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
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