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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

10 Nov 2012   #1041

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER THEM

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...


Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?


A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!


(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)



Q . Do female frogs croak?


A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.



Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?


A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.



Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.


A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.



Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?


A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.



Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?


A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.



Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?


A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.



Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?


A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.



Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?


A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.



Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?


A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.



Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?


A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.



Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?


A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.



Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?


A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.



Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?


A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.



Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?


A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.



Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?


A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.



Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?


A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?



Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?


A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.



Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?


A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.



Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?


A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.



Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?


A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.



Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?


A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?



Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?


A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.



Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?


A. Charley Weaver: His feet.



Q.. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?


A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.



WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,

WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Nov 2012   #1042

Win7 64bit Ult
 
 

@ LTP:

LMFAO I'm still a baby but my bladder grew weak reading these think I may of even peed a little
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Nov 2012   #1043

Windows 7 Home Premium x64
 
 

They WERE good .... Paul Lynde is a kook! (in a very good sense of course) That freaking ascot he always wore....
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.


11 Nov 2012   #1044

Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by indianacarnie View Post
They WERE good .... Paul Lynde is a kook! (in a very good sense of course) That freaking ascot he always wore....
Seems he was always getting his ascot...
My System SpecsSystem Spec
11 Nov 2012   #1045

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

Windows 7 Home Premium x64 SP1
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Lady Fitzgerald View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by indianacarnie View Post
They WERE good .... Paul Lynde is a kook! (in a very good sense of course) That freaking ascot he always wore....
Seems he was always getting his ascot...
:Rimshot:



A Guy
My System SpecsSystem Spec
11 Nov 2012   #1046

Windows 7 Pro. 64/SP-1
 
 

Hollywood Squares made me laugh then as it does now reading Ladypinks post.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
13 Nov 2012   #1047

Win7 Pro-64 Bit
 
 

A North London police station received this question from a resident through the feedback section of its local Police website:
“I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?”
In response, the local sergeant posted this reply:


First of all, let me tell you this ... it’s not easy. In Stoke Newington and the rural Hackney area we average one cop for every 5005 people. Only about 60 per cent of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as “general patrols”) where we do most of our harassing.
The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60 per cent of general patrols are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So, roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 60000 residents.
When you toss in the commercial business and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day.
Now, your average eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives a cop two-thirds of a second to harass a person, and then only another third of a second to drink a Costa coffee AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to the challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilise some tools to help us narrow down those people we can realistically harass.
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. “My neighbour is beating his wife” is a code phrase used often. This means we’ll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one is, “There’s a guy breaking into a house.” The harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or drivers with no licences and the like. It’s lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.
LAWS: When we don’t have phone or cars, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called “statutes”. These include the Theft Act, Offences Against the Persons Act, Criminal Attempts Act and a whole bunch of others... They spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, the book says that’s not allowed. That meant I had permission to harass this guy.
It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because, for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to “harass” some people.
Next time you are in North London, give me the old “single finger wave”. That’s another one of those codes. It means, “You can harass me.” It’s one of our favorites.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
13 Nov 2012   #1048

Windows 7 Enterprise x64
 
 

Unusual to find an American working as a police sergeant in North London (it was not written by a British English speaker), and also for the sergeant not to realise that Hackney is not rural. Looks like an urban myth to me, or something recycled from the other side of the Atlantic
My System SpecsSystem Spec
14 Nov 2012   #1049

Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
 
 

How many voices does Michael Winslow ****ing have!?
My System SpecsSystem Spec
14 Nov 2012   #1050

Windows 7 Ultimate x86
 
 

A bit of language but not much



So one day in prison, Patty decided to suicide as it would be another 35 years before he would be free, after trying hard, a new cellmate arrives and finds Patty hung from the roof with his feet, cell mate asks
"WTF are you doing?"
"trying to suicide."Responded Patty
Cellmate " you do know that the most effective way to suicide is to get hung by your neck!"

Patty replies " Yes I have tried that, but I couldnt f*****g breath!!!"


Cellmate"**Face Palm***
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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