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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

21 Dec 2012   #1081

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.
Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.
The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden.........
Frank, the Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
21 Dec 2012   #1082

Windows 8.1 Pro RTM x64
 
 

Now, you might well think the above mentioned horse was an unbroken stallion but no; 'twas only a kiddies ride.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
21 Dec 2012   #1083

Windows 7 Professional
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
22 Dec 2012   #1084

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.

The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job. "What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee. "Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck. "Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over. Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him. Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...

"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
22 Dec 2012   #1085

Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium 64-bit 7600
 
 

pebbly ,you filthy ole trollop!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
22 Dec 2012   #1086

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by boohbah View Post
pebbly ,you filthy ole trollop!
Why thank you kind sir
My System SpecsSystem Spec
23 Dec 2012   #1087

Windows 8.1 Pro RTM x64
 
 

Just remind us what your job was before you retired.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
23 Dec 2012   #1088

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf View Post
Just remind us what your job was before you retired.
I was the only female in an office full of men
My System SpecsSystem Spec
23 Dec 2012   #1089

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Exercise for People over 50


Mar152012

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level. )
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
23 Dec 2012   #1090

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie’s lips."What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts."Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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