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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

09 Feb 2013   #1171

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his organ is covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his organ and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut it off !”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”


“Oh, thank God!”the man exclaims.



“Yes,”says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week. Fawl off by itself!”

Pebbly,
Guess that means I have 2 more weeks before mine falls off!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
09 Feb 2013   #1172

Windows Ultimate 64x
 
 

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

No one is a virgin, the world screws us all"

Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow"

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again."

"Sometimes I lay awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."-

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I'm not anti-social, I just don't like you"

"Don't talk to me, when I'm talking to myself"

"Home isn't where the heart is, home is a place you go where they have to let you in"

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
lLove your enemies.. it pisses them off.
The human race is lucky I'm a nice guy, otherwise only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.
A paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Feb 2013   #1173

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

A man goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I'm very worried" he says. "My penis has turned orange".
"Right, let's have a look" says the doctor, whereupon the man disrobes and the doctor examines the affected organ.
"I've never seen anything like this before" the doctor says, and thinking it might be employment related, asks "what's your job?"
"Oh, I was made redundant. I'm unemployed."
"I see" says the doctor "and what do you do all day?"
"I eat Wotsits and watch porn".
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.


10 Feb 2013   #1174

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at
me so loud, I nearly fell in.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Feb 2013   #1175

Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
 
 

Pebbly, you are positively evil! (I like that in a girl).
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Feb 2013   #1176

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."

Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm - not hot - water over it."

Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now.”
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Feb 2013   #1177

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Lady Fitzgerald View Post
Pebbly, you are positively evil! (I like that in a girl).
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Feb 2013   #1178

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Lady Fitzgerald View Post
Pebbly, you are positively evil! (I like that in a girl).
Pebbly,
The undisputed Name:  naughty_girl__03559.jpg
Views: 15
Size:  11.7 KB of 7 Forums!
THW


My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Feb 2013   #1179

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Lady Fitzgerald View Post
Pebbly, you are positively evil! (I like that in a girl).
Pebbly,
The undisputed Attachment 254530 of 7 Forums!
THW

Thank you THW, Saved
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Feb 2013   #1180

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the supermarket manager stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this..........)

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 at Tesco!"
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