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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

15 Feb 2013   #1191

Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by indianacarnie View Post
A hot air balloonist had drifted off course. He saw a man on the ground and yelled,"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes", the man said. "You're in a balloon". "You must work in I.T.", the balloonist said. "How did you know that?" "What you told me was technically correct, but of no use to anyone." "And YOU must be in management", the man on the ground retorted. "Yes indeed." "Figures.You don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to help.And you're in the same position before we met, but now its MY fault"!
That's funny because it's true.
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20 Feb 2013   #1192

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.
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20 Feb 2013   #1193

Windows 7 Pro x64 SP1
 
 

And I like Peanut Butter..

We recently invested $2500 on a young Black Angus bull.They put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. Every cow! He even broke through the fence and bred all theneighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

I don't know what in heck was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peanut butter..

Rich
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.


20 Feb 2013   #1194

Windows 7 Pro. 64/SP-1
 
 

A young woman gave birth to a baby boy. Health 7 pounds. The doctor came in for a little chat and things were going good.

The doctor wanted to know who to register as the father, so started asking questions.

The young woman replied she was not sure. Well the doctor said, lets see if I can help.
The baby has curly kinky hair, blue eyes,a tan yellow skin color. What nationality was the father.

The young woman replied; well I don't really know but just answer me one question doctor.


Does my new baby bark or wimpper like a puppy.
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23 Feb 2013   #1195

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember which I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are four stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, Try Weakly and Try.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

14. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

15. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
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23 Feb 2013   #1196
Microsoft MVP

Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
 
 

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.





WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet ,I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
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23 Feb 2013   #1197

Windows 7 Home Premium x64
 
 

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23 Feb 2013   #1198

Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1 Pro
 
 

A cop is sitting outside a bar around 2AM waiting to catch someone.

A man comes out of the bar, staggering his way towards his car. He can barely walk & the cop focuses on him. Other patrons start to come out & leave, but the cop continues to watch the man as he fumbles with his keys, dropping them twice as he tries to open the car.

The lot is now empty & the man finally gets into his car, starts the engine and the cop zooms in behind him.

The cop administers a breathalyzer test...and there is no trace of alcohol. He administers it again...no trace of alcohol in his system. He asks the man to perform some sobriety tests...which he does perfectly.

The cop looks at him in confusion...and the man says:

"That's right...I was the designated decoy"
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25 Feb 2013   #1199

Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember which I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are four stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, Try Weakly and Try.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

14. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

15. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
Are you getting a more dirtier mind Miss Pebbly?
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26 Feb 2013   #1200

Win7 Pro-64 Bit
 
 

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you get to have a brief audience with God." So St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "OK, so you were the one who made the motorcycles, eh?
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes, that would be me."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; it chatters constantly at high speeds; most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur. "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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