Jokes Thread [3]

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly
said to little Ranger.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell.
You can blame this 'un on my
Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is
my Daddy sleeps naked!"


Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar
school for thirty-some-odd years.
Despite her mounting fears, she asked
little Ranger what he meant by
that. Full of grins and mischief, and in
the flower of his youth, little
Ranger and trouble were old
friends,...... but he always told her the
truth.


"You see,
Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox.
The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a
noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreledshot gun and
said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay
back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!


"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the
hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck
that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As
he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound
dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck
his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this
mornin!"

Another Frivolous Law Suit




A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne

Maynard, has sued St. Luke's Hospital, saying that after her husband was

treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in

Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight..."

Gary said:

BlackSparrow said:

Gary said:

Where's you find that? xD

In an email.

Dang, thanks for letting me know Gary! Now I need to try and get awesome friends to send me funny pics...

The Tale of a Man

A man and a woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.



The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"



Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.



To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.



After the burial, a concerned neighbor asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"



To which the wife answered, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down... and I know he won't ask for directions."

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

The Tale of a Man

A man and a woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.



The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"



Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.



To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.



After the burial, a concerned neighbor asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"



To which the wife answered, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down... and I know he won't ask for directions."

Nice one Miss LPt!

Children Writing About the Ocean.
The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )




2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)




3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)


4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)



5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)



6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)


7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)


8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)


9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)



10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)


11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)


12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)


13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)



14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)



15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)





If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY WELSH GIRL!!

Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... the first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed a...nd put away. ...
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from WALES. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal........
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates..