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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

09 Jun 2013   #1331
Phone Man

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
 
 

I was visiting my nephew last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," he said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you may borrow my iPad."

I can tell you this: That da
rn fly never knew what hit him.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
09 Jun 2013   #1332
jdXp610

Windows 7 Ultimate x64
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Layback Bear View Post
John and Billy were coming back to Johns house from a fishing trip from the close by pond.
Billy notice the dog and the cat on the front porch were licking them selfs in that special place.
Billy said he wish he could do that.
John ask Billy if he remember a couple of week back when his face was all scratched up.
Yes I do and it looked bad.
Well Billy if you pet the dog you will have no problems but if you try it on the cat your face will look like mine did.


Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Phone Man View Post
I was visiting my nephew last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," he said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you may borrow my iPad."

I can tell you this: That da
rn fly never knew what hit him.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Jun 2013   #1333
Phone Man

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
 
 

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. ...What was the third child 's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, ...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language ...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ....How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
...Why not?

8. What was the President 's Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?


















Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The
first childwas named April The second child was named May. What wasthe third child 's name?

Answer:
Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer:
Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer:
Mt.Everest; it just wasn 't discovered yet. [ You 're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer:
There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer:
Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer:
Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer:
You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now -
Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer:
You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer:
Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer:
One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

10 Jun 2013   #1334
Kari

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

 

Got 11 out of 11, what's the price?
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Jun 2013   #1335
jdXp610

Windows 7 Ultimate x64
 
 

My answers before reading the answers lol.

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. ...What was the third child 's name? Don’t know

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh?
Meat?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, ...what was the highest mountain in the world?
Mt. Everest
4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
none
5. What word in the English Language ...is always spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.....How is this possible?
Southern Hemisphere
7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?
Wooden legs are not usually cameras
8. What was the President 's Name...in 1975?
Barak Obama
9. If you were running a race, ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
3rd? oops
10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
neither
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Don’t know man oh man
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Jun 2013   #1336
gladson1976

Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Kari View Post
Got 11 out of 11, what's the price?
Do you pay him, or does he pay you ???
My System SpecsSystem Spec
13 Jun 2013   #1337
Phone Man

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
 
 

Marriage is sharing everything

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything. Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?

She answered

THE TEETH!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
15 Jun 2013   #1338
Britton30
Microsoft MVP

Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
 
 

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year
in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony. They had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


NOT CONFIRMED BY SNOPES.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
16 Jun 2013   #1339
jdXp610

Windows 7 Ultimate x64
 
 

A comedian who was tired of the rat race decided to enter a monastery.

All the monks were in seclusion except for the morning meal and the evening.

The only words spoken were when the Father Abbot would chant:

Good Morning/Evening monks"

and the monks would chant back:

Good Morning/Evening.

After twenty two years the comedian finally got tired of this and at breakfast one day when
Father Abbot chanted:

Good Morning monks.

All the monks except for the comedian chanted "Good Morning" while the comedian chanted "Good Evening"

At this the Father Abbot stood up and chanted:

.

.

wait for it .....

.

.

"Some monk chanted evening"


and for the young uns who don't know what I am talking about

My System SpecsSystem Spec
16 Jun 2013   #1340
Layback Bear

Windows 7 Pro. 64/SP-1
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Britton30 View Post
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year
in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony. They had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


NOT CONFIRMED BY SNOPES.
By 2060 Boxer shorts are no longer legal.
They give to much freedom.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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