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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

03 Jan 2012   #131

 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
03 Jan 2012   #132

Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 32 bit/Windows 8.1 64bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
HERE'S YOUR CHUCKLE FOR TODAY.....
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause
she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't
understand.
Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
You gotta love this: The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
06 Jan 2012   #133

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like s**t!"

Then I would say, "It is s**t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
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.


06 Jan 2012   #134

Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium 64-bit 7600
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
I would like to share an experience with you, it has to do with drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years. The other night I was out for dinner with a few friends. After consuming too much wine, and knowing full well that I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yes, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was really a surprise to me since I had never driven a bus before.
mind you i had a stinker of a hangover
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My System SpecsSystem Spec
06 Jan 2012   #135

Windows 7 Home Premium
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like s**t!"

Then I would say, "It is s**t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
Even though i've read that before, it's still funny as hell. Sick and demented, but funny.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Jan 2012   #136

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Jan 2012   #137

Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
 
 

Pebbly

The dentist will see you now!

My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Jan 2012   #138

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'

- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
My System SpecsSystem Spec
09 Jan 2012   #139

Windows 8 Pro
 
 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.


She says hello.


He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.


So he says, 'Do you know me?'


To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
09 Jan 2012   #140

Windows 8 Pro
 
 

One blonde tells another blonde: "I've done a pregnancy test."
Asks the other blonde: "And, were the questions difficult?"
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