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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

05 Aug 2013   #1451
Phone Man

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
 
 

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
... Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Bob, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said,
'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

JUDGE NOT!!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
05 Aug 2013   #1452
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

~~ Sensually Subtle ~~

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.



"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.



"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

X

X

X

X



"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
06 Aug 2013   #1453
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

This may have been shared before, it's still quite charming..

Wives . . .

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,

"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men

who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were

dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were
heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the

head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
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.

08 Aug 2013   #1454
pebbly

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Cranbourne courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ..
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin?

No!... Is it midnight already?'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
08 Aug 2013   #1455
richnrockville

Windows 7 Pro x64 SP1
 
 

My System SpecsSystem Spec
09 Aug 2013   #1456
Kari

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

 

A travelling circus arrives in Utsjoki, the northernmost county in Lapland in northern Finland. It's Kaamos time, mid winter with no sunlight in a few months as opposite to the summertime midnight sun. The laps are thrilled, it's not often they have an opportunity to entertain themselves during the Kaamos.

First night, the circus tent is full, not a single seat available. A circus artist, a lion tamer starts his routine. He unzips his trousers, takes his manhood in his hands, orders a great angry looking lion to open its mouth and places his manhood in the lion's mouth. He then hits the lion in head which makes the animal to shut its mouth.

No sounds can be heard, the audience sits still anticipating the inevitable. Some women faint, men are closing their eyes. After a full minute the lion tamer again hits the lion with a rubber sledgehammer, forcing the mighty animal to open his mouth. He then takes his manhood out from the lions mouth, unzips his pants and bows to the audience.

A standing ovation follows, the audience is yelling "Bravo!"

The lion tamer then asks the audience if there's a daredevil among them who would like to try the same to get 1,000 Euros reward.

After a long silence a blond Lapp girl in her early 20's stands up and says:

"I could try, I for sure need the money. But you have to promise me you do not hit me with the sledgehammer as you did for the lion, you just need to tell me when I should shut and open my mouth!"
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14 Aug 2013   #1457
COMPUTIAC

Windows 8.1.1 64bit
 
 

Little Known Computer Viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
14 Aug 2013   #1458
Lady Fitzgerald

Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
 
 

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
*************************************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
*************************************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
***********************************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
**********************************************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
**************************************************
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
*************************************************
Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Comprehending Engineers-Take Nine
************************************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers - TakeTen
***********************************************
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog......that's cool."
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17 Aug 2013   #1459
pebbly

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.. My wife won twice last week.
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17 Aug 2013   #1460
pebbly

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."


"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
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