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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

17 Aug 2013   #1461
jadinolf

Windows 7 Professional 64bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.. My wife won twice last week.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
20 Aug 2013   #1462
Britton30
Microsoft MVP

Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
 
 

GOODBYE DADDY
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy
and goodbye Grandma.'
The next day the grandmother died.
'Holy s***' thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the
day he stayed there drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'
He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
20 Aug 2013   #1463
richnrockville

Windows 7 Pro x64 SP1
 
 

Last night while watching the tv show Pickers, This old Texan said:

Yankees are like Hemorrhoids,

If they go down and then back up, they are good
If they go down and stay down, they are a pain in the ass.

Rich
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

20 Aug 2013   #1464
COMPUTIAC

Windows 8.1.1 64bit
 
 

Upgrade


Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.

She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
20 Aug 2013   #1465
Lady Fitzgerald

Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
 
 

A perfect example why I'm glad I'm single and a Lesbian.
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22 Aug 2013   #1466
Everlong

 

My mate asked me, "What's the sexiest thing a Woman has ever said to you?"

"How did you get in to my house?", I replied.
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22 Aug 2013   #1467
Phone Man

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
 
 

Football Quiz

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.
___________________________________________

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
___________________________________________

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
_________ __________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;


the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
___________________________________________

What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player’s life?

Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
22 Aug 2013   #1468
Phone Man

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
 
 

Jokes Thread [3]-kite.jpg


My System SpecsSystem Spec
23 Aug 2013   #1469
richnrockville

Windows 7 Pro x64 SP1
 
 

Phone Man,

Rich
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24 Aug 2013   #1470
A Guy

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

Windows 7 Home Premium x64 SP1
 
 

A good-looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood.

“I want to be a movie star,” he told the agent. Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked: “What’s your name?”

“Penis van Lesbian,” he replied.

“Sir, I hate to tell you,” said the agent, “but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Never!”

“Now listen: I have worked in Hollywood for years and I’m telling you that will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. Change your name – or I won’t be able to put you on our books.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said, and left the agent’s office.

Five years later

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office – inside is a letter and a check for $50,000.

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said and, eventually, decided you were right: I had to change my name. I’m afraid I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

But I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

A Guy
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