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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

25 Aug 2013   #1471
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Wine Taster..

Jokes Thread [3]-wne-taster.png




At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.


A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.


The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.


He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.


"That's correct", said the boss.



Another glass....




"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."




"Correct."




A third glass...




''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.




The director was astonished.




He winked at his secretary to suggest something.




She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.




The alcoholic tried it.



"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father.."


My System SpecsSystem Spec
26 Aug 2013   #1472
COMPUTIAC

Windows 8.1.1 64bit
 
 

Test Flight

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
26 Aug 2013   #1473
gladson1976

Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
 
 

Not sure of this can be considered a joke, but the comments for this are just tooooo good

Justin Bieber could be banned from US, if found guilty in assault case - Entertainment - DNA
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.

29 Aug 2013   #1474
Phone Man

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
 
 

An old Texas rancher walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the ol' man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. He provides the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the ol' man for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground parking garage. Three weeks later, the ol' man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to less than $40.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire, with several PhD's. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?" The ol' man replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 3 weeks for 40 bucks?!!"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
31 Aug 2013   #1475
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Heavens Adimitting Clerk

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or
her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.

She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely
dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for
her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I
began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man
and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab
onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came
rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I
fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up
I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He
apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replied the third man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest----"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
31 Aug 2013   #1476
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

GREAT one Phone man !!!!
Jokes Thread [3]-clap-animated-animation-clap-smiley-emoticon-000340-large.gif


My System SpecsSystem Spec
31 Aug 2013   #1477
Borg 386

Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
 
 

Did you hear about the flasher who thought about retiring?

He decided to stick it out for another year
My System SpecsSystem Spec
31 Aug 2013   #1478
Lady Fitzgerald

Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Borg 386 View Post
Did you hear about the flasher who thought about retiring?

He decided to stick it out for another year
Eww!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
31 Aug 2013   #1479
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Lady Fitzgerald View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Borg 386 View Post
Did you hear about the flasher who thought about retiring?

He decided to stick it out for another year
Eww!

My System SpecsSystem Spec
01 Sep 2013   #1480
NavM

Windows 7 Home Premium 64 Bit
 
 

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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