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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

02 Sep 2013   #1481
Britton30
Microsoft MVP

Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
 
 
How Trends start.

Jim noticed his co-worker, normally a conservative sort had been wearing an earring of late. It kind of bothered him so he thought he'd ask Tom about it.
Tom, I notice you're wearing an earring.
Tom, sheepishly, said, it's no big deal, lots of guys are wearing them nowadays. Jim said, no problem just wondered.

This still got his curiosity aroused so he asked Tom how long he'd been wearing it.
Tom said since my wife found it in my pickup.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
02 Sep 2013   #1482
Phone Man

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
 
 

Jokes Thread [3]-hereafter.jpg


My System SpecsSystem Spec
02 Sep 2013   #1483
Lady Fitzgerald

Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Phone Man View Post
That's known as Destinesia.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

04 Sep 2013   #1484
kf10

Win 7 home premium 32 bit
 
 

how do we know that humans evolved from apes and not the other way round
My System SpecsSystem Spec
05 Sep 2013   #1485
COMPUTIAC

Windows 8.1.1 64bit
 
 

A Man Walks Into A Bar...


A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"


The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.


After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"


The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him $400 for the bullfrog.


"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $500 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $700 cash.


The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $700"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
06 Sep 2013   #1486
Britton30
Microsoft MVP

Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by kf10 View Post
how do we know that humans evolved from apes and not the other way round
If we did, the apes would be gone.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
06 Sep 2013   #1487
Britton30
Microsoft MVP

Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
 
 

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
****************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
****************************
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
****************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
****************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
****************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
****************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
****************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
****************************
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
****************************
And last but not least!
Tech support: 'Okay Tom, let's press the control and escape (Esc) keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Tom: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Tom.
Tom: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Tom.
Tom: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Sep 2013   #1488
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Romantic Restaurant Scene‏


A man and a woman were having a
quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
restaurant.


They were gazing lovingly at each
other and holding hands.


A waitress working a table a few
steps away, suddenly noticed the
man slowly sliding down his chair and
under the table while the woman
stared straight ahead.



The waitress watched as the man
slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman stared straight
ahead.



The waitress, thinking this
behavior a bit risqué and that it
might offend other diners, went over to
the table and, tactfully began by
saying to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am , but I think your husband
just slid under the table."



The woman calmly looked up at her
and said, "No, actually he didn't.
He just walked in the door."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Sep 2013   #1489
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Britton30 View Post
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
****************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
****************************
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
****************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
****************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
****************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
****************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
****************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
****************************
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
****************************
And last but not least!
Tech support: 'Okay Tom, let's press the control and escape (Esc) keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Tom: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Tom.
Tom: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Tom.
Tom: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Gary.... this is soooo funny.. I snagged it to share with my brother and friends.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Sep 2013   #1490
Phone Man

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
 
 

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.

------------------------------------------------------



Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool"

===========================================



THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!



My System SpecsSystem Spec
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