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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

08 Sep 2013   #1491
Microsoft MVP

Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
 
 

Thanks Georgia.

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?"As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice
 
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
08 Sep 2013   #1492

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
 
 

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or p...leasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men,
when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
08 Sep 2013   #1493

Windows 7 Home Premium 64 Bit
 
 

I know a guy, the only clothes he has is a pair of pants, he works at a fast food restaurant and his co-worker makes fun of him, he can't tell his boss because he would just cut his already sucky pay, and his only friend is a mentally retarded kid.

Do you want to know whats worse? He live in a pineapple under the sea.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
08 Sep 2013   #1494

Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
 
 

One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," the husband replied, "But I don't know her well enough."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
08 Sep 2013   #1495

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

PASSPORT

THIS IS PRICELESS:

I'M POSTING THIS AS IT ARRIVED IN MY MAIL TODAY, THOSE WHO WISH TO READ THIS, MUST NOT LAUGH UNTIL YOUR TUMMY HURTS.

ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT



Dear Mrs. Ms. Or Sir:


I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For Christ's sake, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?


My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 35+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, it's on the last eight damned passports I've had, it's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.


Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert, and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.


Between you and me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address. What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.


And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!


Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^*% copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $100. Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? No-o-ooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@% government. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. < v>


Then I have to find some asshole to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where I'm not allowed to smile. Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!



Signed- An Irate Citizen.


P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years, and have had security clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor, WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!


And you a**holes want to run our health care system??
My System SpecsSystem Spec
08 Sep 2013   #1496

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.




Engaged friend:



The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:



Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:


When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said:



(You are going to love this...)











"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
08 Sep 2013   #1497

Windows 8.1.1 64bit
 
 

Ya gotta stop this, my face hurts from the first one,
now I'm crying from the second one !

No more , please
(well maybe 1 more)
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Sep 2013   #1498

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

~~~ NUNS~~~

Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of rowdy young lads pulls up alongside.

"Oi, get your tits out you penguins!" shouts one of the lads.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata,
"I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross".

So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,

"F’k off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!


"There, was that cross enough, Mother Superior ? "
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Sep 2013   #1499
Microsoft MVP

Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
 
 

That's cross enough for me.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
11 Sep 2013   #1500

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

LOL@You, you bugger...
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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