Jokes Thread [3]

YES with the video.. I like that as well.

Me thinks this may have been around before...
Southern cops have a way with words!

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Not sure if this has been shared before.

Ole Fills In

A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get
off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant.


"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to
take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns
the following day and asks: "So, Ole,
How was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of
three patients. "The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, mate, and the second one?"
asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens
and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself,
taking off everything including
her panties and lies
down on the table and shouts:
'HELP ME - I haven't
seen a man in over two years!!'"

"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole,
What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!

Good old Ole, a man after my own heart, I would have done the same to help the poor lass.

Sounds like us at work Ole LOL!!

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH SEX?

Too Much Sex
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (65), sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that s**t”.

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH SEX?

Too Much Sex
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (65), sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that s**t”.

Joe you know that saying too ?..
made me laugh out loud !!!!

For sure LPT1