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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

01 Feb 2012   #221
seavixen32

Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
 
 

Whan an Irish astronaut was told his mission to send a manned spacecraft to the Sun was doomed to failure because the spaceship would be burned to a frazzle he replied; "We've thought of that one. We're going at night-time when it's dark."
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01 Feb 2012   #222
seavixen32

Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
 
 

On a lighter note, there was an article in today's Daily Mail, which reported that scientists have designed and built a computer that can read your thoughts.

They're too late. My wife's been reading mine from the day we got married.
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01 Feb 2012   #223
Kari

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Kari View Post
This should be told with a heavy Irish accent:

A wealthy British gentleman drives his Bentley along a small and quiet road near Liverpool. Paddy has come from Ireland with a ferry to Liverpool and is now walking, trying to hitch-hike to London to see his brother.

The gentleman sees Paddy and thinks this road is so quiet that man is never getting a ride, here's no traffic. So as a real philanthropist he stops and gives Paddy a ride.

After some introductions Paddy asks "How'd you get this nice car?"
The gentleman: "I work for Cunard as a manager, they pay me quite well."
Paddy: "I've worked f***'n'ard all my life and still can't afford a Bentley!"
(Old joke from over two years ago, from the first Jokes thread.)
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.

02 Feb 2012   #224
Maguscreed

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

Windows 7 x64
 
 

This one time at band camp I stuck a flute in my butt and played the national anthem.



This statement is best used while making eye contact for increased effect.
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02 Feb 2012   #225
Hopalong X

Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Maguscreed View Post
This one time at band camp I stuck a flute in my butt and played the national anthem...

...I placed second in the talent show that year. I never understood why I was never asked back to band camp.
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02 Feb 2012   #226
stevieray

windows 7 x64 Home Premium
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Maguscreed View Post
This one time at band camp I stuck a flute in my butt and played the national anthem...

...I placed second in the talent show that year. I never understood why I was never asked back to band camp.
You should've used your own flute.
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02 Feb 2012   #227
profdlp

Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by stevieray View Post
You should've used your own flute.
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03 Feb 2012   #228
Phone Man

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Maguscreed View Post
This one time at band camp I stuck a flute in my butt and played the national anthem.



This statement is best used while making eye contact for increased effect.
I really didn't need to know that.

Jim
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03 Feb 2012   #229
boohbah

Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium 64-bit 7600
 
 

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like
you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing
comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the
toilet allday and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year- old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a
flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?"

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so
tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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03 Feb 2012   #230
Kari

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

 

During the WWII there was widely spread rumors circulating among the servicemen in Finland that the army was adding bromine to their food. That was called a "brake", "braking" the men, making their sexual lust to disappear thus making it easier for them to stay in service, away from wives and girlfriends. At least people thought bromine would do this.

Now, some 65+ years after the war, two Finnish veterans were sitting on a park bench in Finland, talking about the subject.
- "Do you remember those stories about army adding bromine to our food during the war?"
- "Yes, why do you ask?"
- "I think the story is true. It's just that it seems it did not work as they wanted, it did not work immediately but after some time."
- "You got any evidence?"
- "Yes. I've noticed lately my wife does not excite me anymore sexually."
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