Jokes Thread [3]

[pebbly]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing.
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
'Cheerios'."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be 'Cheerios'!"

 

[Hopalong X]

:roflmao:

Sure as shxx won't be Cheerios.

 

[tommcgtx]

Best Bar in the World

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

I think Pebbly .. must have had Cherrios today for breakfast... that's really funny ..
or at least it is to me. Good one Pebbly.

 

[BlackSparrow]

I would have to agree with you LadyPink. And Pebbly, did you come up with that one? It's f---ing hilarious!

 

[Maguscreed]

I've actually heard a variation of that joke many years ago, it's the first time I've seen it told that way though.

 

[Hopalong X]

Pebbly always finds the best of the best.

Even the terrible ones are sooo bad they are still funny.

 

[pebbly]

Why thank you Mike

 

[A Guy]

The Rest of the story...

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years.

It is now believed that he called the US Navy Seals himself.

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: A Guy

 

[BlackSparrow]

A GUY! How can you remember/find all those jokes? xDDD!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The Rest of the story...

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years.

It is now believed that he called the US Navy Seals himself.

A Guy

Or maybe... One of the wives was not getting enough attention.
THW

 

[pebbly]

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He explodes: "'ells bells man, thas left t' bloody "e" out, you've left t’ bloody "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
"E, she were thin".

 

[carwiz]

A Texas man went to the Baptist church and asked to join. The preacher said, "Ok, but you have to pass a Bible test first." Here’s the question, "Where was Jesus born?"
The man thought a minute and said, "Longview."'
The preacher said, "Sorry, you can't join our church."

So, the man went on down the road to a Presbyterian church and asked to join. The preacher said, "We love to have you. You have to pass a Bible Test first though."
Here's the question, "Where was Jesus born?"
Quicker this time, the man said, "Tyler."
The preacher said, "No way can you join our church!"

So ... on the man goes down the road to the Methodist church and asked if he could join.
The preacher said, "Sure you can join! We welcome you!"
The man said, "You mean I don't have to pass a Bible test first?"
The preacher said, "No."
The man said, "Can I ask you a question then?"
"Certainly." said the Methodist preacher.
Where was Jesus born? The man asked.
The preacher said, "Palestine."
The man nodded, and kind of mumbled to himself, "I knew it was somewhere in East Texas."

 

[Maguscreed]

Okay, so a bunch of children are given an assignment to tell the class a story their parents told them and what they learned from it. Most of the stories were very typical, but then it came time for little billy to read his paper.

My dad once told me a story about my aunt Sally when she was in the gulf war.
Her plane had been shot and was going down, so she grabbed a rifle, a bottle of whiskey they were saving and the parachute and jumped. She chugged the whiskey on the way down but then, she landed right in the middle of dozens of enemy troops. Somehow she managed to kill most of them with the rifle before tearing the last few of them to pieces with her bare hands.

'dear god' exclaimed the teacher 'what on earth could you possibly learn from such a horribly brutal story'

Without missing a beat little billy looks her dead in the eyes and says
'Don't mess with Aunt Sally when she's been drinking.'

 

[BlackSparrow]

Maguscreed, that one is hilarious! Now than, time for another one from me... Just remembered a Leprechaun joke
---
A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all his legs. The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat.
"If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again, or I'll rip off your little tallywagger," yells the mean-looking guy.
After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again. This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun.
"All right, I've got you this time. I warned you -- now I'm gonna rip off your little tallywagger!"
The leprechaun laughs, "You can't do that."
"Why not?" asks his captor.
"Because," giggles the leprechaun, "leprechauns don't have tallywaggers."
"Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?" growls the angry man, "How in the hell do you pee?"
"Just like this," laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.

 

[Hopalong X]

... Just remembered a Leprechaun joke

Okay let's hear it.

 

[BlackSparrow]

... Just remembered a Leprechaun joke

Okay let's hear it.

Under the three dashes is the joke

 

[Maguscreed]

sorry about the ad it's the only watchable clip I could find.

 

[BlackSparrow]

how on earth did you find that? I've been looking everywhere (on youtube) for it!