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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

08 Feb 2012   #241
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

THIS IS HOW IT BEGAN!!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began, and that's the truth.
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08 Feb 2012   #242
Qdos

 

Did you know the internal combustion engine was invented long before the time of Christ?

Most people believe it only came into being thousands of years later, after the steam engine had been invented - but this is untrue.

Want proof? Open a copy of the First Testament and turn to Exodus...

Quote:
"The roar of Moses Triumph was heard throughout the land...."
So he had a motorbike...
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08 Feb 2012   #243
seavixen32

Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
 
 

Seen outside a church near Anfield Road, the home of Liverpool Football Club, was a poster in big letters claiming that JESUS SAVES!!

To which a local scally had scrawled in reply: "BUT IAN ST. JOHN SCORES ON THE REBOUND!!"
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.

09 Feb 2012   #244
richnrockville

Windows 7 Pro x64 SP1
 
 

FWIW:


Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks
Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More 'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'


My System SpecsSystem Spec
09 Feb 2012   #245
jfar

Vista Ult64, Win7600
 
 

Dear R_A_NICC,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs
4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Kiara
------------------------------ ----------------

Dear Kiara:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5. 0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System
Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources)

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
My System SpecsSystem Spec
09 Feb 2012   #246
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

"Excellent Tortoise Wisdom!"‏

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, and I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's-ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, only drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise! I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
09 Feb 2012   #247
Layback Bear

Windows 7 Pro. 64/SP-1
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
THIS IS HOW IT BEGAN!!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began, and that's the truth.
Very very good. I like that. How long did it take you to do it?
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Feb 2012   #248
profdlp

Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Layback Bear View Post
Very very good. I like that. How long did it take you to do it?
5772 years.

Jewish Holiday Calendar 5772 - Jewish Holidays in 2011-2012
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10 Feb 2012   #249
seavixen32

Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
 
 

From comedian Tim Vine:

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.
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11 Feb 2012   #250
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE




> A woman takes a lover home during the day,
> while her husband is at work.
>
> Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
> sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
> Then the woman's husband also comes home.
> She puts her lover in the closet,
> not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
>
> The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
>
> The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
>
> Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
>
> Man - 'That's nice.'
>
> Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
>
> Man - 'No, thanks.'
>
> Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
>
> Man - 'OK, how much?'
>
> Boy - '$250'
>
> A few weeks later,
> it happens again that the boy and the lover,
> are in the closet together...
>
> Boy - 'Dark in here.'
>
> Man - 'Yes, it is.'
>
> Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.'
> The lover, remembering the last time,
> asks the boy, 'How much?'
>
> Boy - '$750'
>
> Man - 'Sold.'
>
> A few days later, the boys father says to the boy,
> 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball,
> let's go outside and have some short game practice.
> The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
>
> The father says, 'What?!
> How much did you sell them for?'
>
> Boy - '$1,000.'
>
> The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost.
> I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
>
> They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
>
> The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
>
> The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again.
> You're in my closet now!'
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