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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

11 Feb 2012   #251

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

A girl came skipping home from school one day.


'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde?' the girl said. 'Yes, it's because you're blonde,' said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

'Very good,' said her embarrassed mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?'
'No Honey, it's because you're 24.'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
11 Feb 2012   #252

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"


The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh,I'm sorry." She gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Houston "
My System SpecsSystem Spec
11 Feb 2012   #253

Windows 8.1 Pro RTM x64
 
 

With reference to the Skipping Girl joke: Not only is she blonde, but she's also the teacher!

Thought I'd recall this one, posted last August:

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sat in a bar drowning their sorrows. It had seemed a long time since any of them had seen any boobs, let alone had any chance of fondling any.

Last orders soon came, and Paddy turned to Fred and Jock and said "I'll see you down by the harbour tomorrow morning. I have a feeling that if we're cleaning our boats, our luck will change."

The friends agreed, and so the next morning they were down at the harbour cleaning their boats. Whilst they were doing so, who should come by but 3 very buxom girls who were very well endowed on the upper part of their bodies.

The redhead walked upto Paddy and said "Can I have a ride in your boat?" Paddy replied "Sure. Climb aboard."

Next, the blonde went upto Fred and asked the same thing. Again Fred replied "Sure. Climb aboard."

Finally, the brunette approached Jock and once again asked the same question, to which Jock replied in the same way as Paddy and Fred had done previously.

The following day, Paddy and Fred met up again at the bar. Each had a huge smile on their faces. They told each other what had happened when they went out in their boat. "It was like this, we went out for miles and miles and then I killed the engine. I then turned to her and said 'It's either screw or swim!' And then she said 'I can't swim!'"

A short while later, Jock ambled in with an awkward gait. He looked sad, and had tears running down his face. Paddy and Fred told him how they had got on, and then asked him what had happened to him. Jock replied "I took her out in the boat, miles and miles out to sea." Paddy said "Go on, go on." Jock continued "I then killed the engine and said 'It's either screw or swim!'" Fred said "Well, what happened next?" With a tear in his eye, Jock continued "She pulled down her pants and.... She had a pecker, a great BIG pecker.... and I can't swim!"

Fred went over to Jock, put his arms around his shoulders and said "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you'll be feeling better soon."

Jock thanked Fred for his comforting words and then turned to Paddy. "Well, don't you have something to say to comfort me?" he said.

Paddy thought for a moment. Being Irish, it was more of a mo than a moment, but then he said "You shouldn't have been wearing that dress, Jock. You shouldn't have been wearing that dress."
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.


11 Feb 2012   #254

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Good one Dwarf
My System SpecsSystem Spec
11 Feb 2012   #255

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
Good one Dwarf
Pebbly,
Don't be laughing at my dress that I wore.
It was one that I removed from your closet last night.
THW
My System SpecsSystem Spec
11 Feb 2012   #256

Windows 8.1 Pro RTM x64
 
 

Now then Dennis (or is that Jock?)

I thought that dress looked familiar.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
11 Feb 2012   #257

Windows 7 Ultimate 64bit SP1
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
A girl came skipping home from school one day.


'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde?' the girl said. 'Yes, it's because you're blonde,' said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

'Very good,' said her embarrassed mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?'
'No Honey, it's because you're 24.'
Good one!!

My System SpecsSystem Spec
11 Feb 2012   #258

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf View Post
Now then Dennis (or is that Paddy?)

I thought that dress looked familiar.
I,ve told you 2 before about looking in my closet
My System SpecsSystem Spec
11 Feb 2012   #259

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the s**t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no s**t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some s**t on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
11 Feb 2012   #260

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
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