New
#51
Jokes Thread [3]
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New #52
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and
eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He
declines.. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something to eat. "How about a
bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The
Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he is hungry? "Would you like a juicy rib eye
steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or
tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the
Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
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New #53
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Dundee but I worked both sides of the Tay!
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New #56
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ..
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
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New #57
An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the lower ranks.
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New #58
At a wedding party recently someone yelled,
"All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was crushed to death.
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