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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

07 Jun 2012   #611
F5ing

Windows 7 Ultimate x64
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
FYI

The year was 1947.
Well, well, well. That, finally, clears it all up!
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07 Jun 2012   #612
Layback Bear

Windows 7 Pro. 64/SP-1
 
 

Thank you Howling Wolves for the research. I believe you are correct or very close to it. I think some of them lied about their DOB just to fool us.
I would also include Janet Reno in the group, lying about her age. After all they do get the illegal alien votes every election. Keeping in the family as they say.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Jun 2012   #613
F5ing

Windows 7 Ultimate x64
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Trucidation View Post
Nun Other
How 'bout that. A cold hot nun!
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.

08 Jun 2012   #614
Trucidation

 

Hee hee... Ok here's another Paddy Special before I kick loose for the weekend.

Maximum Occupancy

Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."

A stunned silence descends on the heretofore jovial Scotsmen, and they look at each other in disbelief. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the driver finally retorts. He grabs a bundle of papers from the glove compartment and proffers them to the officer. "Here, look at the specs: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies officer Paddy firmly, refusing to even glance at the papers. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car - and you are therefore breaking the law."

The burliest Scotsman, sitting in the passenger seat beside the driver, leans over and says replies angrily, "Sir, you are an idiot. Please call your supervisor over. We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, straightening up and pointing over at another car stopped a little way ahead. "Officer Murphy is busy with those 2 guys in that Fiat Uno."

My System SpecsSystem Spec
08 Jun 2012   #615
DustSailor

Microsoft Windows 8.1 Pro 64-bit
 
 

I forget the real names but here goes:

Juan and Julio were out hunting when suddenly they came upon a long white fence. In surprise, they look down and notice Juan's big toe sticking out of the brush. Mistaking it for a snake, the two quickly reach for their guns when suddenly Julio lets off an ear shattering shot right at the thing. With a scream, Juan yells over at Julio, "Quick, shoot it again, it bit me!"
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08 Jun 2012   #616
BugMeister

Windows10 Pro - 64Bit vs.10547
 
 

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08 Jun 2012   #617
derekimo

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by BugMeister View Post
Quote:
49. Philip: "Who are you?"
Simon Kelner: "I'm the editor-in-chief of The Independent, Sir."
Philip: "What are you doing here?"
Kelner: "You invited me."
Philip: "Well, you didn't have to come!"
An exchange at a press reception to mark the Golden Jubilee in 2002.
He speaks his mind doesn't he. Good stuff.
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08 Jun 2012   #618
M1GU31

Windows 10 64bit
 
 

Pretty cheesy and sure someone probably used something similar before but here I go.

A duck goes in a store and buys some merchandise.The store clerk says would you like to pay with your credit card?The duck says no just put it on my bill.
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08 Jun 2012   #619
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

A Blonde in the Church
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared
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08 Jun 2012   #620
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

THE JEWISH MISTRESS

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says,
"Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband,
"she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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