Jokes Thread [3]

BugMeister said:

Is this the same guy that left his kid at the pub?
Did Tony do that first?

Jim

Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
And if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."


(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)

...and if he would have followed his wife's logic he would have brought home 6 cartons of eggs which would have still been wrong but would have been right because eggs in the States come 12 eggs in a carton not 6.
So your screwed no matter what.

Hoppy

Ah, to hell with it... putting in a few joke videos for my next few posts. Here's the first:

· I changed my iPad name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

· A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

· Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

· Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

· Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

· How about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

· I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

· Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

· Earthquake in Washington: obviously government's fault.

· I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

· Never fall in love with a tennis player, because to a tennis player, love means nothing.

A Guy

Texan in Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. With pride, the Aussie shows off his big wheat field, to which Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The one-upmanship irritates the Aussie and the conversation trails off. He stews in silence for a bit while they keep walking. A minute later they come across a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. The Texan asked, "And what are those"?

Putting an incredulous look on his face, the Aussie retorts, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

A Guy said:

· I changed my iPad name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

· A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

· Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

· Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

· Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

· How about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

· I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

· Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

· Earthquake in Washington: obviously government's fault.

· I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

· Never fall in love with a tennis player, because to a tennis player, love means nothing.

A Guy

Oh god i can't stop laughing!

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Fairy of the River appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Fairy of the River went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Fairy of the River asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Fairy of the River again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Fairy of the River asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Fairy of the River went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Fairy of the River asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Fairy of the River was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Fairy of the River again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Fairy of the River, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Fairy of the River went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Fairy of the River asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Fairy of the River was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, Fairy of the River. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Angelina Jolie. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Great Fairy of the River, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very
shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on
holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run
the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about
selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll
ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom
won’t even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to
the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of
her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his
legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between
his legs. "Yes "!!!! she screamed " He's got one hanging there"....!
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50......................

He's the bl**dy window cleaner"!!!!!!!

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a
show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What
makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What
does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are
dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general pathetically all in the name of
humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little chap on your lap."