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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

18 Jun 2012   #681

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this:

You know you're from California if...

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5.. You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike anywhere else in the world, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13 You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?

14 It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'

15 You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

16 It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17 HEY!!!! Is pot legal or illegal????

18 Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator was your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're in the United States illegally, they give you one ...
My System SpecsSystem Spec
18 Jun 2012   #682

Win7 Pro-64 Bit
 
 

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough. This posh pommie (English) bloke is travelling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there, his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.
Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.
So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of poo, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable. He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.
Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.
"What...What's going on?" stammers the poor pommie.
The huge Aussie responds, "You bloody *******; get the hell out of "the Ladies'!"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
18 Jun 2012   #683

Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
 
 

Oh dear god, poor posh pommy boy...
My System SpecsSystem Spec
18 Jun 2012   #684

 

lol, ok that was gross

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
You know you're from California if...

19. The Terminator was your governor.
I don't know how much you guys (still) like him, but I really, really enjoyed young Ahnold in Conan The Barbarian. Really.

With that embarrassing admission out of the way...

Marathon
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" She replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems."

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

So he started running along beside the others despite being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, trying to blend in as best he could.

After a little while, a small group of runners who had been studying him with some curiosity jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

My System SpecsSystem Spec
18 Jun 2012   #685

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

Windows 7 Home Premium x64 SP1
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a
show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What
makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What
does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are
dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general pathetically all in the name of
humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little chap on your lap."


Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this:

You know you're from California if...

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5.. You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike anywhere else in the world, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13 You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?

14 It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'

15 You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

16 It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17 HEY!!!! Is pot legal or illegal????

18 Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator was your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're in the United States illegally, they give you one ...
Funnier if it wasn't so true!

A Guy
My System SpecsSystem Spec
21 Jun 2012   #686

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Quote of the Day from Larry the Cable Guy
Larry

"Even after the New Orleans Saints' Super Bowl victory, I have noticed a large number of people, implying with bad jokes and anecdotes, that Louisiana Cajuns ain't smart.
I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city five feet below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a damn genius!"

Go ahead , it's funny no matter your choice of party. LOL.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
21 Jun 2012   #687

 

Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? It made headlines.

/deadpan
My System SpecsSystem Spec
21 Jun 2012   #688

Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1 Pro
 
 

An old lady is walking down the road with two large sacks. One of them has a hole in the back & occasionally a $20 bill falls out. A policeman, seeing this, scoops up the money & says "Are you aware that you're dropping money out of your sack mam?"

"Thank you sonny..." Says the old lady

"If you don't mind my asking..." says the Policeman "Where did you get all this money?"

The old lady say "Well, you see, I live right next to the ball park. Some of these guys, while waiting in line like to take a quick leak, so they stick it through the knotholes in my fence. It was starting to kill my roses, so when I know there's a going to be a game, I wait out there & when they stick it though, I put my pruning shears on it & I say "Throw $20 over the fence or I whack it off!""

The Policeman starts laughing hysterically & when he's done, he says "Well, it's sounds like you have a good thing going there & I certainly can't blame you for doing that. There must be a lot of people doing that, being you've got two sacks full of money."

The old lady say's "Oh, the other sacks not full of money. You see, not all of 'em pays up...."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
21 Jun 2012   #689

Windows 7 Pro. 64/SP-1
 
 
Very true

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 View Post
Quote of the Day from Larry the Cable Guy
Larry

"Even after the New Orleans Saints' Super Bowl victory, I have noticed a large number of people, implying with bad jokes and anecdotes, that Louisiana Cajuns ain't smart.
I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city five feet below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a damn genius!"

Go ahead , it's funny no matter your choice of party. LOL.
Their still trying to find that tool that checks the sea to make sure it's level. The sea might need adjusted.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
21 Jun 2012   #690

Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Layback Bear View Post
Their still trying to find that tool that checks the sea to make sure it's level. The sea might need adjusted.
BP oil company borrowed the level checker a couple of years ago.
Something about it disappearing on an oil rig... or was it with the oil rig?
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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