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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

26 Jun 2012   #701
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Two Minnesota Engineers

Sven and Ole, two Minnesota engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A Woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, " said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."

The woman takes a wrench from her purse, loosens a couple bolts, and lays the pole down on the ground.

Then takes a tape measure from her pocketbook, takes a measurement and announces, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walks away.

Ole shakes his head and laughs. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
26 Jun 2012   #702
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

This is a JOKE.. I do NOT wish to offend anyone.

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a
4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and
Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any
questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And, will
Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million,
compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern
warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of
an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few
wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and
Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium
asked,

"Do we have enough Jews?"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
26 Jun 2012   #703
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by beauparc View Post

Is everybody clear on that?
5% of us are clear.

25%- Clear on what?

25%- Who is Uncle Jack?

25%- My uncle has a horse named Jack?

20%- Someone fell off a horse?


I'll sure try to keep this in mind when posting....lol
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

26 Jun 2012   #704
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

COMPUTERS

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
'
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
'
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:
'
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
'
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
'
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
'
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
'
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
'
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine
('el computador') , because:

'1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
'
2. They have a lot of data but still can't
think for themselves;
'
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
'
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model..
'
The women won!!
'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
28 Jun 2012   #705
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Painting The Church





Painting theChurch
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.



As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid; and because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.





Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,

"Oh, God, Oh, God, forgive me. What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,



(you're going to love this)





"Repaint! Repaint!


And thin no more!"




"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
28 Jun 2012   #706
Trucidation

 

Wife or Mistress?

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" asked the architect and artist in unison.

The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done."

My System SpecsSystem Spec
01 Jul 2012   #707
Trucidation

 

Sports Fan

Three friends were enjoying themselves at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until they noticed an empty seat down in front.

One of them went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy replied, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days, but now my wife is dead."

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.

"Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the funeral."

My System SpecsSystem Spec
01 Jul 2012   #708
gladson1976

Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 View Post
Painting The Church





Painting theChurch
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.



As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid; and because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.





Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,

"Oh, God, Oh, God, forgive me. What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,



(you're going to love this)





"Repaint! Repaint!


And thin no more!"




"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."
Nice one

The way I heard it was like this,

The Angel of the Lord came to Smokey in his dream and pointing a flaming sword at him, said "Repaint, you thinner!"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
02 Jul 2012   #709
solarmystic

Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
 
 

This may be a bit offensive but it's just a simple joke:-

A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:

If I give you $3million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?

Secretary: Everything sir!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
02 Jul 2012   #710
Phone Man

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
 
 

What is sad about a 1958 Buick going over a cliff with 5 Lawyers.





A 1958 Buick seats 6.

Jim
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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