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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

09 Jul 2012   #751
solarmystic

Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
 
 
History paper research on the Internet

Man: "How's your history paper coming?"

Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful.

Man: "Really?"

Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"
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10 Jul 2012   #752
solarmystic

Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
 
 
A lesson about blood flow and circulation

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

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10 Jul 2012   #753
Trucidation

 

A young boy arrived to Sunday School class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, "Yes he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

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.

10 Jul 2012   #754
solarmystic

Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
 
 
College Writing

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
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11 Jul 2012   #755
solarmystic

Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
 
 
A man and his wife

Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!"

"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."

"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper."

Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium.

"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...

-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
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11 Jul 2012   #756
solarmystic

Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
 
 
Results of damage testing

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."
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11 Jul 2012   #757
solarmystic

Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
 
 
I deserve a first class seat

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
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11 Jul 2012   #758
Golden
Microsoft MVP

Windows 7 Ult. x64
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by solarmystic View Post
Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!"

"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."

"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper."

Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium.

"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...

-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"

Hahahahaha! Excellent!
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11 Jul 2012   #759
solarmystic

Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
 
 

One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum.
He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute.
He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton.
As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion.
It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.
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11 Jul 2012   #760
solarmystic

Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
 
 

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.
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