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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [3]

16 Aug 2012   #831
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 View Post
Blonde In Church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."



The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth.

Give me an Amen, Brother!!!

Amen, Brother!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
16 Aug 2012   #832
A Guy

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

Windows 7 Home Premium x64 SP1
 
 

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

A Guy
My System SpecsSystem Spec
16 Aug 2012   #833
F5ing

Windows 7 Ultimate x64
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by A Guy View Post
Jane and Arlene...
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

17 Aug 2012   #834
BlackSparrow

Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by A Guy View Post
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

A Guy
Oh god, funny and yet so wrong.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
17 Aug 2012   #835
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Cell phone in public

After a busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes
as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled
out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's
Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four
thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the
accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life
- yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman
sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe,
yelled at the top of her voice: "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and
come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public anymore.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
18 Aug 2012   #836
Imperfect1

 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 View Post
Cell phone in public

After a busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public anymore.
YES!!!!!!!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
19 Aug 2012   #837
BlackSparrow

Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
 
 

That is hilarious LadyPinkTomato
My System SpecsSystem Spec
21 Aug 2012   #838
BugMeister

Windows10 Pro - 64Bit vs.10547
 
 

Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre..
The barman gives her one..

My System SpecsSystem Spec
22 Aug 2012   #839
xarden

Windows 7 Enterprise
 
 

A fur seal walks into a club.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
22 Aug 2012   #840
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Thank you BlkSparrow
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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