New
#261
Last edited by Dwarf; 12 Feb 2012 at 08:39.
Jokes Thread [3]
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New #262
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball."
He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence.
He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.
A Guy
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New #263
Can't say that I did. Now, if I haven't got them and Dennis claims not to have them, that leaves one begging question. Who has?
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New #264
Reminds me of the news reporters during one of the older inaugurations when she was asked about the parties and balls that prior administrations held. She said that some presidents didn't have any balls at all. Then she realized what she had said and the censors evidently cut her off.. <GGGG>
Rich
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New #265
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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New #266
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"S**T!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.
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New #268
The IRS sent my Tax forms back! AGAIN!!!
I guess it was because of my response to the question : "List all dependents?"I replied -"12 million illegal immigrants;"3 million crack heads;"42 million unemployable people on food stamps,"2 million people in over 243 prisons;"Half of Mexico ; and"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
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New #269
The nun and the scale ...
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE VICTORIA AIRPORT , WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CALGARY .
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN ; OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY .'
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE . THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ :
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE ..'
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE,THINKING,
'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.
IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.'
NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.
IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND F***ED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CALGARY '..
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New #270
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux went to Florida and got a job with NASA to fuel the rockets. They were fueling a rocket and had been really wanting a drink. Broudreaux tasted some of that rocket fuel and Oh Boy it was some good. So they drank some fuel, put some in the rocket, drank some more. This went on all day and they were really drunk when they got back to their hotel and both went to bed. The next morning Broudreaux is still sleeping when his phone rings. Thibodeaux is on the other end and asked Broudreaux if he broke wind this morning and Broudreaux said no since he just got up. Thibodeaux says well don't do it, I'm calling from Nebraska.
Jim
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