Jokes Thread [3]

Those who say that words can never hurt them, never got hit in the head with a dictionary.

koolkat77 said:

Those who say that words can never hurt them, never got hit in the head with a dictionary.

Clever!!

The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

Stoled this one from LPt who got it from Pebbly!

Nurse and patient........

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a
professionalalalsional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.
In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just
came out and then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed
herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as
a as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

Doctor: Dear god I don't know if I can help this man, what the hell happened?
Nurse: Apparently you can't hold in a sneeze and poop at the same time.

A man wakes up in Hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter-tops."

Qdos said:

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters...

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to
go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light pucking fain. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

Qdos,
Lounds sike he got his mords wixed.

Two Irish Nuns
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in Calgary from the old country,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people
in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in Canada, we might as well do as the Canadians do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk
towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers......
"What part di d you get?"