Jokes Thread [3]

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

Blonde In Church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."



The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth.

Give me an Amen, Brother!!!

Amen, Brother!

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

A Guy

A Guy said:

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

A Guy

Oh god, funny and yet so wrong.

Cell phone in public

After a busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes
as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled
out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's
Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four
thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the
accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life
- yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman
sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe,
yelled at the top of her voice: "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and
come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public anymore.

That is hilarious LadyPinkTomato

Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre..
The barman gives her one..

A fur seal walks into a club.

Thank you BlkSparrow