Jokes Thread [3]

I received this from a friend:

Here are six reasons why you should think
before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that
you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, '
No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak!!!

Rich

I had one of these moments a while back.....

My wife and I were meeting a good friend of ours in Asheville, NC and had agreed to meet at a local restaurant. I took the wrong exit off the highway into town and was a little lost. I was going in the right direction through downtown, but didn't know where i needed to turn. I knew that the restaurant was on Tunnel Road near the Dick's Sporting Goods store.

My wife kept asking me if we were going to be able to find the place so at a stoplight, I rolled down my wife's window and I shouted to some people

"Excuse me.... I am looking for Dick's on tunnel road. Can you help me?"

The man busted out laughing hardly able to contain himself. He pointed down the street and told me to turn at the next light to get to tunnel rd. He never stopped laughing.

Thorsen said:

I had one of these moments a while back.....

My wife and I were meeting a good friend of ours in Asheville, NC and had agreed to meet at a local restaurant. I took the wrong exit off the highway into town and was a little lost. I was going in the right direction through downtown, but didn't know where i needed to turn. I knew that the restaurant was on Tunnel Road near the Dick's Sporting Goods store.

My wife kept asking me if we were going to be able to find the place so at a stoplight, I rolled down my wife's window and I shouted to some people

"Excuse me.... I am looking for Dick's on tunnel road. Can you help me?"

The man busted out laughing hardly able to contain himself. He pointed down the street and told me to turn at the next light to get to tunnel rd. He never stopped laughing.

nice one xD

Truisms.

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:

1.Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither of ‘em works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Urban legend or not, some good advice here.

More truisms.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~(One of my favourites) I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old

Gary,
After reading your 2 pages of jokes I have a question regarding #3

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Is this where we got the saying "Road Kill" from?
If it is from what others say about your looks I would definitely not go out in Public! hehehehe
Dennis

When it concerns getting older I'm a procrastinator.

The Navy Chief noticed a new sailor on board his ship and barked at him "Get over here Sailor. What's your name?'

"John" the new seaman replied.

The Navy Chief frowned and said: "Look son, I don't know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they're teaching you sailors at boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in authority!"

"I refer to sailors by their last names, Smith, Jones, whatever. And you are to refer to me as Chief!. Do I make myself clear sailor?!"

The sailor responded "Aye Aye Chief!"

"Okay" the Chief responded, "Now that we have that clear, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed, "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief"

There was a momentary silence. Finally The Navy Chief said "Okay John, here's what I want you to do....."