Jokes Thread [3]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

I forgot my glasses.















Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.







Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.







She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.






I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.





I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.





She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!





This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.





She fainted.





Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico .."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need fifty million condoms, ten inches long and three inches wide. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches wide, exactly as requested... all coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL

Made in england - size: Small

In the U.S.A. we just call them Ticklers.

Yes they are for training. You can by them at Toys R Us. I hear tell.

Dodging and ducking from the blondes but this was received from a blonde.

1. Why don't blondes eat pickles? They get their heads stuck in the jars.
2. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? One, and the world revolves around her.
3. How do you keep a blonde busy for a week? Give her a package of M & M's & have her put them in alphabetical order.
4. What does TGIF on a blonde's shoes stand for? Toes go in front.
5. How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
6. What do you call nine blondes standing in a straight line? A wind tunnel.
7. What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? Goes home.
8. Why are blondes not allowed to take coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
9. Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory? She threw out all the "W's".
10. How do you get a blonde to laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
11. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Five. Four to mix the batter, and one to peel the M & M's.

A hot air balloonist had drifted off course. He saw a man on the ground and yelled,"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes", the man said. "You're in a balloon". "You must work in I.T.", the balloonist said. "How did you know that?" "What you told me was technically correct, but of no use to anyone." "And YOU must be in management", the man on the ground retorted. "Yes indeed." "Figures.You don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to help.And you're in the same position before we met, but now its MY fault"!

richnrockville said:

Dodging and ducking from the blondes but this was received from a blonde.

1. Why don't blondes eat pickles? They get their heads stuck in the jars.
2. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? One, and the world revolves around her.
3. How do you keep a blonde busy for a week? Give her a package of M & M's & have her put them in alphabetical order.
4. What does TGIF on a blonde's shoes stand for? Toes go in front.
5. How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
6. What do you call nine blondes standing in a straight line? A wind tunnel.
7. What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? Goes home.
8. Why are blondes not allowed to take coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
9. Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory? She threw out all the "W's".
10. How do you get a blonde to laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
11. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Five. Four to mix the batter, and one to peel the M & M's.

Good ones Rich

A Guy