Jokes Thread [3]

Peanuts


A policeman brought four boys before a judge. "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.


"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."


"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."


"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."


"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."


"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.

heh heh

Got this email from my dad and it made me laugh

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that at my age , I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, mainly eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU??

Tews said:

Got this email from my dad and it made me laugh

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that at my age , I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, mainly eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU??

How old is your dad?

The reason I ask is that he sounds like me and I'm older than dirt.

Very good, saving this one.

Yes.. quite good.. I enjoyed this one.

Lady Fitzgerald said:

jadinolf said:

...I'm older than dirt.

You're older than dirt? I invented it.

Btw, #18 is also known as Destinesia.

Oh yeah?

I'm older than the Pyramids. So there!

jadinolf said:

Lady Fitzgerald said:

jadinolf said:

...I'm older than dirt.

You're older than dirt? I invented it.

Btw, #18 is also known as Destinesia.

Oh yeah?

I'm older than the Pyramids. So there!

Ha !

You're both youngster's to me.

Urban Dictionary: Destinesia