Jokes Thread [3]

Britton30 said:

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old
grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan


After spending a great evening chatting the night
away, the next morning John's grandfather
prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his
plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal,
Sonny!

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.


Again, John was concerned about the
plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks
around the edge that looked like dried egg
and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are
as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't
you fret, I don't want to hear another word about
it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a
nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's
dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.


John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't
let me get to my car'.


Without diverting his attention from the football
game he was watching on TV, the old man
shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'


Meet Coldwater !










Attachment 297097

Thats my Dad through and through LOL!!

Frozen Turkey

Sarah, new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'

'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.'

'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.'

'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,' says her mum. 'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'

'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey. It was the plane ticket.'

"Plane ticket....." What did you need an airplane ticket for?'

'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: "Prepare from a frozen state," so I flew to Alaska.'

Riddle Me This


Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the Ritz Hotel in NYC


As the car traveled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $100 dollar bill lying on the lift's floor.


Which one picked up the $100 bill, and handed it in at reception desk?


Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!

A Man Walks Into A Bar


A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana.


He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."


"Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.


"I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner.."


The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000."


The man said okay, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left.


The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!"


The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."

A Christmas Story :



When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.


Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

pebbly said:

A Christmas Story :



When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.


Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

I've heard, and told, that joke for years...no...decades...at least half a century and your telling of it is the best so far by far (one anal suggestion, pardon the pun: have the Angel ask Santa where to put it, not where to stick it, so it's less likely alert people to the coming punch line ).

Thank you Lady F ,Changed now

I didn't mean here but, yes, that makes it perfect. I've saved a copy of that. It's brilliant!

Rabbi Hears Confession

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the
street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and


he’d stay with him for a little bit and show
him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest asks, “What did you do?”
The woman says, “I committed adultery.”
Priest: “How many times?”
Woman: “Three times.”
Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What did you do?”
Man: “I committed adultery.”
Priest:”How many times?”
Man: “Three times.”
Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi:”What did you do?”
Woman: “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi: “How many times?”
Woman: “Once.”
Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars"

Must of been one of those Black Friday Specials.