New
#1811
Pilots work hard at landings and Takeoffs. The Navigator tells us where to go.
And if we get to the right place, a hand comes out from the Navigators Dash Board and hands him a banana!
Jokes Thread [3]
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New #1812
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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New #1813
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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New #1814
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New #1815
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
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New #1817
Trouble
A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away.
After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him "pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts." The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch.
After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch.
Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: "Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?"
To which the man replies: "The trouble starts, when you find out that I don't have any money."
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New #1818
Actual Quotes From Office Memos
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)
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New #1819
The Convents Mother Superior rose from the dinner table & tapped a spoon loudly on the table to quieten the dining room at the end of evening dinner.
“It has been brought to my attention that 3 cases of gonorrhoea have been discovered in the convent.”
That resulted in dead silence, until one very young Nun said to her colleague in a voice far louder then she intended.
“Thank goodness for that, I was getting so sick of the Chardonnay.”
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New #1820
Signs You Have A Bad Lawyer
You met him in prison.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
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