Jokes Thread [3]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.


A few moments later, a second text came in:


Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Good one M'Lady

A Guy

I like it Lady Plink.
That damn auto correct.

Telephone ringing & answered by a young girl.
“Hello”
“Hello sweetie, its Daddy here”
“Hi Daddy”
“Sweetie, is Mummy there”
“Mummy is upstairs with Uncle Bob”
“But you don’t have an Uncle Bob”
“Well that’s what she said”
“OK Sweetie, would you go upstairs & tell Mummy that Daddy is leaving work early & he will home very soon”
“OK Daddy, hang on”
After quite some minutes.
“Daddy I went upstairs & told Mummy what you said & there was a scream, then some loud voices & a lot movement, then it all went quiet, so I opened your bedroom door & saw Mummy lying on the floor. I think she must have fallen over & hit her head on the corner of the dressing table & she is not moving. I couldn’t find Uncle Bob so I looked out the window & saw him lying on the bottom of the swimming pool & he isn’t moving either.”
“But Sweetie we don’t have a swimming pool”
“Yes we do Daddy, you emptied it last weekend so it can be repaired”
“Is that 555 4276”
“No it’s 555 4267”
Click.

Yes, our grandmothers still had genuine knowledge of staying naturally healthy!!!
My granny lectured me about her practical knowledge:

“For better digestion, I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine, with low blood pressure, red wine, with high blood pressure, cognac and whenever I have a cold, I drink Vodka.”

“And when do you drink water?”

“I have never been that sick!”

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

Yes, our grandmothers still had genuine knowledge of staying naturally healthy!!!
My granny lectured me about her practical knowledge:

“For better digestion, I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine, with low blood pressure, red wine, with high blood pressure, cognac and whenever I have a cold, I drink Vodka.”

“And when do you drink water?”

“I have never been that sick!”

Thank you Lady.
I emailed that to some friends I know will enjoy it.

Thanks.. feel free to share whatever i post.

WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS:



I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a Newspaper.



"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on Newspapers.
Here, use my iPad."




I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.