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Windows 7: Jokes Thread

23 Aug 2010   #1

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 
Jokes Thread

Person 1:Knock Knock

Person 2:Whos there?

Person 1: Boo

Person 2: Boo who?

Person 1: ZOMG WHY U CRYIN??!?


Rofl its so dumb i know.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
23 Aug 2010   #2

Win7 Home Premium 64x
 
 

3 strings walk into a bar. They pull up stools at the bar and order 3 beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get outa here. We don't server strings here...." The three strings leave. They want some beer so they formulate a plan. They all jump to the ground. wiggling around getting all dirty and grimmy on the sidewalk. After a short while, they get up and walk back into the bar. They pull up a bar stool and sit down and order 3 beers.

The bartender looks at them and after a second says "hey, aren't you those three strings that came in here earlier?" To which they replied " NOPE... I'm a frayed knot."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
23 Aug 2010   #3

Win7 Enterprise, Win7 x86 (Ult 7600), Win7 x64 Ult 7600, TechNet RTM on AMD x64 (2.8Ghz)
 
 

An elderly(about 70), white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.




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He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.




The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.




On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
















"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

All Seniors Aren't Senile


My System SpecsSystem Spec
23 Aug 2010   #4

Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 View Post
We are interesting : Not a joke..... but an observation.


GOD
AND
LAWN
CARE


AUTHOR UNKNOWN



GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
23 Aug 2010   #5

Win7 Pro-64 Bit
 
 

God created Dog and Cat

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome
here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and
who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even
when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish
or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as
you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and
who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their
limitations, so they will know that they are not
always worthy of adoration..'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . ..

And Dog was happy. . .

And...............Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other...
My System SpecsSystem Spec
24 Aug 2010   #6

Windows 2000 5.0 Build 2195
 
 

My mom thinks "lol" means "lots of love"

She texted me : "Your Grandma had just died LOL"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
24 Aug 2010   #7

 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by DocBrown View Post
An elderly(about 70), white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.




Attachment 92863
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.




The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.




On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
















"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

All Seniors Aren't Senile
OMG
My System SpecsSystem Spec
24 Aug 2010   #8

Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1 Pro
 
 

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"From your Love line? No, from the calluses."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
24 Aug 2010   #9

Windows 7 Ultimate 64 - OEM Service Pack 1
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by borg 386 View Post
paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a palm reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "for fifteen dollars, i can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "i can see that you have no girlfriend."

"that's true," said paul.

"oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"yes," paul shamefully admitted. "that's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"from your love line? No, from the calluses."

ha ha ha :d
My System SpecsSystem Spec
24 Aug 2010   #10

Windows 7 64 bit
 
 

The Pearly Gates

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on travellers. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'



'No, the gates'.

My System SpecsSystem Spec
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