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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [4]

29 Oct 2014   #171
Shimshom

Windows 7 Ultimate x64
 
 

An oldie but still golden

A Young hotshot gets a job with the Taxation office
His first assignment is to audit an old Rabbi
He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old Rabbi
so he says, Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?
The rabbi says, We send them to the candle
factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle
The kid says, And what do you do with the
crumbs from your table?
The rabbi says, We send them to the Matzos
ball factory, and every once in a while
they send us a free box of Matzos balls
The kid says, And what do you do with the
foreskins from your circumcisions?
says the Rabbi, We send them to the Taxation Office and
every once in a while they
send us back a little prick like you
My System SpecsSystem Spec
29 Oct 2014   #172
Ranger4

Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit sp1
 
 

A little boy & a little girl were comparing their private parts.

"You haven't got one of these have you." said the boy.

"No". said the little girl. "But Mummy say when I grow up I can have as many of those as I like".
My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Oct 2014   #173
rossfingal

Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit
 
 

Heard at the Customer Support desk.



Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

03 Nov 2014   #174
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

A Little British Military History



During the royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British “red coat."

Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel.
They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, “Why do you British officers all wear red coats?
Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the British officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, …and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that’s why, from that day forward, all French Army officers have worn brown pants.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
03 Nov 2014   #175
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

....lol Only from YOU Dennis.. .... clever of them....
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Nov 2014   #176
Shimshom

Windows 7 Ultimate x64
 
 

A truckie walks into an outback cafe with an Emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. A Hamburger, Chips and a Coke says the truckie. Sounds great says the Emu, I'll have the same. A short time later the waitress returns with their order. That will be $9.40 please and the truckie reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. The next day the man and the Emu come again. The truckie orders, the Emu has the same and again the truckie reaches into his pocket and puuls out the exact amount. This goes on every day for a week. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. Excuse me mate she asks but how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket?. Well says the truckie a few years ago I was cleaning out the back shed and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would put my hand in my pocket and the right amount money would be there. Brilliant says the waitress, you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. That's right says the truckie, whether it's a a gallon of milk or a Rolls-Royce the exact money is always there. And what's with the Emu asks the waitress. The truckie pauses, sighs, and says: My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs who agrees with everything I say
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Nov 2014   #177
townsbg

Windows 7 pro 64-bit
 
 

Dear Help Desk,

I'm having trouble.

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, Joe



Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings Alimony/Child Support."

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the #Esc# key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying addition software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.

Tech Support.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Nov 2014   #178
Lady Fitzgerald

Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Shimshom View Post
A truckie walks into an outback cafe with an Emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. A Hamburger, Chips and a Coke says the truckie. Sounds great says the Emu, I'll have the same. A short time later the waitress returns with their order. That will be $9.40 please and the truckie reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. The next day the man and the Emu come again. The truckie orders, the Emu has the same and again the truckie reaches into his pocket and puuls out the exact amount. This goes on every day for a week. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. Excuse me mate she asks but how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket?. Well says the truckie a few years ago I was cleaning out the back shed and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would put my hand in my pocket and the right amount money would be there. Brilliant says the waitress, you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. That's right says the truckie, whether it's a a gallon of milk or a Rolls-Royce the exact money is always there. And what's with the Emu asks the waitress. The truckie pauses, sighs, and says: My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs who agrees with everything I say
Hey! Keep me out of this!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Nov 2014   #179
Ranger4

Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit sp1
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by townsbg View Post
Dear Help Desk,

I'm having trouble.

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, Joe



Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings Alimony/Child Support."

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the #Esc# key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying addition software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.

Tech Support.
I do like that one, most entertaining.

The best description for Wife 1.0 would be FATAL ERROR.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
07 Nov 2014   #180
Shimshom

Windows 7 Ultimate x64
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Lady Fitzgerald View Post
Hey! Keep me out of this!
LOL. But I like Emus and Truckies
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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